Book Summary
In If You Must Go, I Wish You Triplets, psychotherapist Virginia DeLuca recounts the surreal collapse of her 14-year marriage when her 60-year-old husband Perry abruptly leaves, declaring he wants children—a bombshell that upends her vision of their golden years together. What begins as a bewildering personal crisis (“Brain tumor? Secret affair?” speculate friends) evolves into a darkly comic odyssey of self-reckoning, as DeLuca dissects the relationship’s hidden fractures while packing up their New Hampshire home solo . The memoir oscillates between present-day chaos (Perry sobbing at bank meetings) and flashbacks to their passionate early days, including an elevator tryst at Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts that epitomized their once-electric connection .
DeLuca’s clinical expertise as a therapist amplifies the narrative’s emotional intelligence, though some readers may find the nonlinear timeline initially disorienting . Her “Perry Leaving Journal” documents his contradictory behavior with forensic detail, from his sudden disdain for her aging body to his tearful reversals. Yet the book transcends schadenfreude, becoming a universal meditation on how even professionals can miss the warning signs in their own relationships .
Key Themes
The Blind Spots of Love: As a therapist who helped clients navigate betrayal, DeLuca confronts her own professional irony—she failed to see Perry’s growing detachment. The memoir explores how “the kindest, caring man” she knew could harbor secret resentments, dissecting the lies we tell ourselves to preserve relationships . Her analysis of Perry’s potential narcissism (masked by affability) offers sharp insights into emotional avoidance patterns .
Reinvention at 60+: Unlike typical divorce narratives, DeLuca’s story highlights the unique challenges of starting over later in life—losing shared health insurance, selling the dream home, and facing societal invisibility as an older woman. Yet her dark humor (“I wish you triplets” becomes both curse and liberation mantra) reframes the journey as an unexpected coming-of-age.
What Makes It Unique
Therapist-Turned-Patient Perspective: DeLuca’s dual role as both heartbroken spouse and clinical observer creates fascinating tension. She applies therapeutic frameworks to her own grief, like analyzing how childhood wounds (her father’s affair) shaped her attachment to Perry—yet never reduces raw emotion to sterile jargon . Scenes where she counsels prison inmates while privately unravelling underscore this duality.
Dark Humor as Survival Tool: The memoir’s title—a snarky blessing DeLuca threw at Perry—sets the tone for its balancing act between pain and wit. One standout scene describes her book launch party for her debut novel (won via contest mid-divorce) where she smiles through gritted teeth while packing Perry’s belongings. This blend of levity and vulnerability distinguishes it from heavier divorce memoirs.
Reader Reactions
Readers praise DeLuca’s “effortlessly cool” voice, with many noting they “rode every emotional loop” from anger to cathartic laughter . Some relate it to their mothers’ experiences, calling it “oddly comforting” to see generational patterns of resilience . The nonlinear structure polarizes—some find the time jumps “jarring,” while others argue they mirror the disorientation of betrayal .
Professional reviewers highlight its “page-turning ‘gotta know’ quality” (Orna Guralnik of Couples Therapy) and “radical self-love” message . Book clubs debate Perry’s motivations, with theories ranging from midlife crisis to deeper psychological unraveling—a testament to DeLuca’s nuanced portrayal that avoids villainizing him .
About the Author
Virginia DeLuca is a Boston-based psychotherapist and award-winning writer (As If Women Mattered). Her career spans prison therapy groups and private practice, specializing in trauma—an expertise that informs her memoir’s psychological depth . At 72, she reflects that the Perry saga ultimately “incubated her next self,” embracing gardening and taboo-free discussions on aging .
The memoir originated in DeLuca’s GrubStreet writing class, where mentor Alysia Abbott helped shape raw journal entries into narrative. Its publication via Loyola University’s student-run Apprentice House Press adds a meta-layer—DeLuca being “mentored” by college students parallels her own late-life rebirth .
Memorable Quotes
“Sometimes, we know the least about those we love the most.” — The memoir’s opening thesis, encapsulating its central mystery
“Shame is a currency here. You either spend it or bury it deep enough to forget the exchange rate.” — On societal judgment of divorced women
“It’s human nature to fall in love and dismiss the risk of crash-landing.” — DeLuca’s therapist lens on her own romantic blind spots
Where to Buy
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble (includes signed editions)
- Goodreads (for reader discussions)